


What Would I do, if it Wasn't for You?

by hotmess_ex_press



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memories, Mild Hurt/Comfort, also Kihyun is in their for a little, just .5 seconds though, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 14:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14082741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotmess_ex_press/pseuds/hotmess_ex_press
Summary: "I just," Minhyuk coughed on a swallowed-up sob. "Do you ever hate yourself forlovingtoo much?"Hyungwon shivered a little, gaze trained on the horizon. "Only when I'm around you."Minhyuk's eyes widened. "What does that mean?"An unbothered shrug. Confused eyes met shining ones. Hands slipped through Minhyuk's hair like water through a net."Whatever you want it to mean."





	What Would I do, if it Wasn't for You?

**Author's Note:**

> Normal text is present tense in Minhyuk's POV, _italics_ is past tense, third person. Also the spell check correction for "Hyungwon" is "unworthy." Haha.

Oh, Hyungwon.

You're looking much too thin nowadays. Like you're just a pile of brittle bones and sad smiles. When is the last time you ate anything?

When is the last time you did anything but fight and sleep?

It's so dark in this forever cold world, this dreamless night. It's either day or not, with no sticky-sweet sunrises or sunsets to pain the dull horizon in-between.

And it's dangerous.

 

_Hyungwon stumbled through the door of the abandoned cottage. His friends looked up at him, expressions ranging from shocked to scared to angry. No one moved as he made his way toward them, falling to his knees with a thud. No one moved until he looked up at them, face bruised and bloody, a jagged cut running from his left cheekbone down to the center of his bottom lip._

_Kihyun stood, and he is made of fire and blood. "Who's done this?"_

_Hyungwon just shook his head. Kihyun frowned, but he knew. He always knew. He strode out of the cottage, revenge on his mind._

_Minhyuk met Hyungwon's eyes. Minhyuk's pretty lips trembled, and his heart broke and broke again at how lost the other looked._

_Hyungwon glanced away._

 

You used to be so soft, before that. Now you are all sharp edges and ice.

I miss the way you were, so carefree, but, I suppose, you are safer when you are carved from steel.

And I need you to be safe.

Because where would I be, if you were gone? Most days, I think you are the only thing that keeps me here, grounded in reality. You keep me sane, or, at least, from becoming _insane_.

For, as much as I adore the clouds, I adore you more.

 

_"Hyungwon?" Minhyuk asked, shaky voice, nervous fingers. "Do you ever hate yourself for feeling too much?"_

_Minhyuk's head was settled in Hyungwon's lap. Hyungwon idly played with his hair while he answered. "All the time. Every day."_

_The stars dotted across the sky were just like jewels, diamonds and sapphires and amethysts. The air was cold as it twisted around them._

_"I just," Minhyuk coughed on a swallowed-up sob. "Do you ever hate yourself for_ loving _too much?"_

_Hyungwon shivered a little, gaze trained on the horizon. "Only when I'm around you."_

_Minhyuk's eyes widened. "What does that mean?"_

_An unbothered shrug. Confused eyes met shining ones. Hands slipped through Minhyuk's hair like water through a net._

_"Whatever you want it to mean."_

 

We survive on small victories and stolen kisses and other people's cigarette smoke; it's enough to exist but not enough to truly live.

But if I _want_ more, you _need_ it. I can tell because you don't want anything ugly from me. I can tell because you look so in love when you think I'm not watching, because you let your soft touches linger on my skin, because you hold me like I am the only thing precious to you.

But I can't be, not because I'm not, but because of the consequences that come with it in this galaxy of closed minds and hidden hearts.

 

_"Those feelings aren't okay," the words stung Minhyuk's eyes and heart. "They are dirty, and so are you if you think like that."_

_Tears shone behind Minhyuk's heartbroken expression. "But-but...I...I thought that love was_ good. _"_

_A cold, cruel laugh, like the pierce of an icicle. "I'm sorry, but do you pick poisoned flowers to put in vases, to wear in your hair? Do you leave diseased trees alive so they can spread their toxins? Go home, son. You don't belong here."_

_As they walked away, heels clicking against the marble floor, Minhyuk clutched at the worn slip of paper in his lap. A single crystal tear fell, smudging the flowing script. He angrily wiped at his eyes and crushed the parchment in one fist._

_"Never, never, never," he whispered, throwing down the paper and striding off._

_Later, Minhyuk came back. When he tried to read it again, the poetry ripped apart. A few words slipped through the cracks._

_Wish, accepted, truly, boy._

_I care about you. A lot._

 

I think I could maybe fall in love with you. What is there not to love? You are like lazy snowflakes and hidden staircases and perhaps a glimpse of the smooth, silvery, moonlit sea.

Can you picture yourself in poetry? Perfection.

This world frightens and hurts me. But sometimes you make me hope, which is dangerous and delicious, the taste of lemonade and your lips. I start to hope that we will be able to build a life together, be happy, feel safe for just a fraction of a moment.

Which is such a lovely thought.

 

_"Ah, Minhyuk," Hyungwon whispered, breath a lullaby against Minhyuk's skin. Fingers tightened around his. "You look so perfect."_

_The moon cast a fairytale glow over the still, silent city. The only sounds were the chirps of beetles and the wind rustling through the spring blossoms, spreading thick perfume through the chilly air. "Thank you," Minhyuk's words innocent, genuine, like the flowers that adorned the trees._

_Hyungwon shifted so that he was grasping onto both Minhyuk's hands with one of his own, the other one reaching to hold Minhyuk's face. Gently, as though he would break the elder if he moved too fast, he let his fingers skim over his cheekbones. "You always look too beautiful."_

_Hyungwon pressed his lips against the other's. Short and pure, and he tasted like cherries and something sweet on Minhyuk's tongue._

_They pulled away, and Minhyuk burrowed into Hyungwon's collarbone, breathing him in. He dropped a tiny kiss onto the other's neck. Just before they dozed off in the grass, Minhyuk murmured drowsily, "You make me feel so warm, Hyungwon."_

 

But we both know I can't feel safe, not truly, not when the thoughts of the world haunt me and I'm so, so terrified.

Because this land is a vicious place that can't help but hate.

Because I've known pain and darkness.

Because I was raised learning to loathe anything different, and that includes myself.

And I still have these wicked dreams that leave me shaky and breathless, tears and sweat burning against my skin. I still have these dreams that end in agony and loneliness, and that is why I cannot love you.

At least, not yet.

 

_Hyungwon and Minhyuk danced slowly to the snippets of faint music that wafted over to them from the concert hall. Notes tumbled around in the breeze, but they somehow strung together just enough to create a sweet melody._

_Foreheads pressed together, arms around each other, hands clasped beside them. Ratty, torn old street clothes, and cuts on their cheeks from the fights earlier that day._

_Minhyuk could ask for nothing more._

_Hyungwon spoke, his words tickling Minhyuk's forehead. "Minhyuk?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_He took a deep breath and sighed. His voice was quiet, slow, but sure. "I think-no, I don't think. I know. I know that you're stunning and I know I couldn't ever be happy without you. But most of all, more than anything and everything, I know I love you."_

_Silence and feelings ran through Minhyuk's veins like electricity. Affection, fear, surprise, sadness, and deep down, a subtle feeling that kept him warm at night and helped him get through each long, hard day. A soft, innocent love._

_"Oh, Hyungwon."_

_Hyungwon exhaled worriedly, and quickly wiped the tears from Minhyuk's eyes. He captured his lips for a chaste kiss._

_"Don't worry, Minhyuk. You don't have to say it back. Just know how much I care. You are my everything."_

_Minhyuk looked up at him with watery eyes and a beam. "Thank you. I'll say it back, someday. I promise you."_

_"Don't promise that."_

_"For you, I will."_

_Hyungwon shook his head, but a hesitant grin took up his face. Minhyuk hooked their pinkies together and they danced on._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this trash, comments and kudos are muchly much appreciated.


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